Its Ruined. (My fairytale is over)

Yes Guys, Sad to say but my fairytale didnt last long. I am completely the one to blame. My cynical needy self got the best of me and drove this wonderful guy away from me.

I wanted to beg, i wanted to explain! but i figured that would make me look more insane than what he already thinks of me.

I realized now how unstable i am in his eyes,

How helpless i looked.

Truth of the matter is, i really did fell in love with him. i just didnt know how to handle my emotions.

and the funny thing is, i completely understand how he feels.

It was the best feeling while it lasted but now i know this is ending.

This is so heart breaking but somehow i kinda saw this happening.

i was ruining my happiness even from the start.

I truly and honestly love him but i guess i dont know how to show that.

This is over. Im done.

and as Mr. Rossi walk away from me, I'd like to tell him. I was stable before he came. My life was completely safe but i chose to take a risk because his presence made me brave and his leaving makes me braver but nobody told me this would hurt this much.

I never pray but this time i will consider.

I pray for him, i pray that he would return to me. I pray for his happiness but if his happiness doesnt lie in me. i pray that i survive this. but if my wish would be granted i simply want him back. i wish he finds his way back, i wish he finds a reason to comeback.

~o0o~~o0o0o~~~o0o0o0o~~~o0o0o~~o0o~

with all these drama going on. Amir was the one who brought me back to sanity. he offered his wisdom and friendly opinion (its friendly coz it harsh but that's exactly what i needed to hear to pop my princess fantasy) Now i think i will just mellow down a bit and charge it to experience! promise not to be an insecure brat ever again!

Tnx Amir

Current mood:crying for a lost magic

CLIOGODDESS

I have been by myself all my life and this new beginning scares me

So i ask you NICOLE, would you hold my hands

and WALK ME HOME!

dont make me feel like this, wont you~

SOMETHING STUPID

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you

The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you...

BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME~

TALK TO YOU SOON

I've had my share of life's ups and downs
But fate's been kind, the downs have been few
I guess you could say that I've been lucky
And I guess you could say it's all because of you.

If anyone should ever write my life story
For whatever reason there might be
You'd be there between each line of pain and glory
'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Lord there have been times when times were hard
But always somehow I made it through
'Cause for ev'ry moment I've spent hurting
There was a moment spent loving you.

If anyone should ever write my life story
For whatever reason there might be
You'd be there between each line of pain and glory
'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

My mind's floating

Talk about absent mindedness, I was talking with a customer but all i can think of is this particular man driving through the freeway on his way to visit friends. I was so engrossed dreaming about him that i called the customer "honey". It was so embarrasing coz the customer said he likes me too but he's happilly married and then laughed.

Ok, so what's been going on about me? all this crazy daydreaming and fantasizing about this special guy.

Well, i cant help it. There has been other guys that showed interest in me but this one is different. I simply adore him. He has this effect on me that makes me long to talk to him.

His voice is addicting. I can imagine him sitting beside me just talking and i would consider that moment to be the best time of my life.

I know this could all be just a fantasy. An image, feeling and situation that i create to fulfill my longing for love.

I have been warned to be cautious, not to build my whole life on this person. and not to believe everything.

and personally im scared. all those what if's bugging me. i'm afraid coz this might not be true, this could be all just a nice dream.

Im afraid that im being to clingy and demanding considering this is not even a relationship.

I wish whatever it is that im having now would be something substancial and real in the future.

coz if this was just a game, then i'll be sad!

But as long as i have him, i'll enjoy our moment together. But im afraid for this to last, coz i think mahal ko na sha. but still i dont want this to end. im crazy

Emotions Run Wild

C - Creates a sense of comfort and care

H - Holds a part of my heart, my present and hopefully my future

R - Redefined life for me

I - Instilled Hope and love

S - Saved me.

~~~o00~~~o0o0o~~~00o~~~

Coming from a life of uncertainty and hurt, you saw me, You saw something that no one even dared to look at. You made me feel that i am special, that i am worth something.

Hiding inside my protected world, You invited me out, Lending your hand and supporting my weak body to stand up and face the world that i know would hurt me.

Reassuring me that you're here to cover me, to be my santuary when i cant take anymore, To be my strenght, my voice and my light when clouds of doubts fill me.

Inspiring me to shine, to be free and to be me. REAL and TRUE, The way you saw and imagined me to be.

Securing my life for victory, setting the path for glory. and simple seeing me.

YEARNING FOR YOU~

Welcome, clio! You have 0 unread messages: I have been told not to expect too much but i cant help but be sad. NO emails???

II

The smell of fresh garden drenched with the morning dew

The golden sunlight enveloping my skin,

Warm breeze embracing me.

Heaven, heaven is what i feel.

You came in my darkest hour.

Bringing me home.

covering me with warmth

easing my pain.

I imagine your touch

i imagine your kiss

i imagine your arms

touching, kissing, holding me

Th distance between us

The diffirence of our lives

makes it difficult.

oh how i hate difficult.

i want you near. i want you here.

be mine, BE US!

Cosmic Conspiracy

I was walking in makati one fine afternoon. The sun with its golden rays glistening on every surface i see. Then a tap on my shoulders "excuse me miss! i didnt want to bother you but im kinda lost, dont know whom else to ask for direction, can you pls help me?" it was a man, standing 5'10 infront of me, with the most compelling eyes looking intently at me, begging me to help him. "Where are you going?" i asked. "I need to go the shangrila plaza hotel, by the way my name is christopher" then he offered me his hands, as our palms touched, sparks raced through my body. the feeling was intense, as if i was struck by lightning. NICOLE was the only word i uttured and from that moment on i was like under a trance, time stopped, the whole city blurred. Only one thing remained clear, the magnetic man infront of me holding my hand.

"Nicole? uhummn" im back to reality, realizing how silly i looked. Little embarrased i took my hands back and offered to get him a cab. "Now that's the thing, i dont wanna get a cab coz i wanna experience public transportation, i heared about um errr whacha callit? a jeepney, i wanna try that one" said the cutest lips i've ever laid eyes upon. I smiled and took his hands and dragged him to the nearest station. every inch of my skin tingling with the touch of his skin againts mine, friction has never been this good. We rode a jeep and i have never seen somebody get excited riding a jeep before. it was kinda like a boy having his first football game. excitement and anticipation in a grown man's face. it was so adorable and all the time his hand is on my hand. squeezing and playing with it. then he looked at me with those expressive brown eyes. gratitude, longing and something else are emanating out.

After the jeepney ride, he offered to take me to dinner for my troubles, He ordered Penne Con Broccoli and grilled tuna belly with pinot blanc. i simply ordered chicken. We talked during dinner and i found out that he is here for a cosmetic conference. He said that the oriental body composition of asians might not be suitable to the cosmetic procedure intended for the western populace. We talked like there was no tomorrow and i suddenly find myself inside his hotel room.

Wine seemed to overflow and the feeling of this man near me, his hands on my hips as we sway to a sweet beat of a slow background music. I can hear his breathin, i can feel his heartbeat. it's racing while he stroke my back. I feel numb while he caress my skin. then he whispered to my ear with the most soothing voice."relax darling, your body is too tense" i looked at him, our eyes intertwined, he can see i was scared but God those eyes, those longing eyes and those inviting lips. I couldnt resist my self, he pulled me closer, kissed me so gently. he's lips so soft and so powerful, his hands on my back, supportin me coz my legs and knees are failing me, His passionate kisses full of longing, full of emotions, then his hands started to wander, touching ang feeling every part of my silky body. he slowly undress me as i undress him. he picked me up and laid me on his bed. He stared for a moment, savoring the image of me on his bed. he came close and started kissing me, touching and caressing me. his lips wandered and found themselves on my breasts. As he move, i can feel my spirit soaring. it was so intense. i couldnt take it anymore so i begged him. he position himself on top of me. slowly stroking me with his manhood. i asked him to be gentle coz i think its too big for me to take in. he gently pressed himself on me. slowly sliding it in. It was warm. no i think it was hot. i thought he'd burn me. then rushed the pain as he tried to put it in. i felt my body would rip. I was so stretched. it was searing hot and it was painful. i asked him to pull it out. he just caressed me with kisses and reassured me that its ok. he asked me to relax. and god those eyes, those eyes made me forget about the pain. He was caressing me and i was responding when he thrusted it all in. i was shocked coz i thought he had it all in the first time, i was wrong.

He was moving inside me. we were moving to a cosmic dance that only the two of us hear. i finally understand the theory of relativity. This man on top of me, moving, sliding and me taking it all in. i wanted to scream but only breaths and moans are heard from me. my mind spinning, my body moving, my spirit soarin to the heavens. i felt like exploding, i can sense my body becoming tense, my heart racing twice the rate when we started. he is moving fast, i can feel his body stiffining, faster and faster. it was crazy. i was crazy. then i felt him. our bodies lock. a bind of fluid connected our body together. We were one of the same. and then heaven was achieved. heaven was here.

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"Nicole?" called my mother

"Mom?"

"come here baby, stop crying,"

"i miss him mother, i want him back! why hasnt he contacted me?"

"if he's meant for you, he'll come back for you"

"mommy,'

"oh baby, i dont have the answers, stop crying now pls. it breaks my heart"

"mom, i love him."

"i know, but it's been months now, you have to pull yourself together"

"oh christopher, i miss you!"

Current mood:scared and crazy

Ear drums!

Finally! after procrastinating for 7 months, Leoric and i went to providence! This videoke plan has been long overdue and even if i only had 5 hrs of sleep from talking with a great arizona guy (???) i forced myself out of the bed and went to the office and dragged him outta there.

Nice pic,

Lr with a crazy gorilla like creature.

Its my first time at providence and being with my good friend made the experience more fun and worthwhile. Lr had the most interesting singing voice (10 thousands decibels to be exact, hahaha) while i preferred the more sweet sounding songs.

singing MADONNA's "ONE MORE CHANCE"

Lr singing "closer you and i"

NO, we're not drunk! hahaha. it was an alcohol free activity. Just imagine what we would be like if we had booze, the building would collapse. hahaha

(a belter and an amplifier singing together could break the gibraltar rock)

i hope respect for one another will remain after this crazy fiasco.

The following pictures were taken from the shaky hand's of LR

I really had a blast and Lr has been very accomodating and he took care of me all the way and i greatly appreciate his generousity (he paid for everything, affluent kid? hahaha) and because he paid for it im compelled to take him out next time but its ok coz i always have the greatest time when he's around.

This has been a well deserved break from a stressful work and sharing this moment with this great person has been the most meaningful event in my life.

I'd like to thank Leoric for making this one possible. You have been very supportive and generous in helping me out and the thing i like the most, you have always been emotionally present and you never fail to cheer me up when bouts of doubt and depression get the better of me. So again thank you for being the best friend that i girl like me can have. and i'd like to apologize about the dvd's. hahaha. (he had dvds for me and i left them in providence so we had to go back for them that made him sweat like a pig (sorry for my carelessness) dont worry you still smell wonderful.

Now more that ever i believe that you'd make a wonderful bf, hahaha.

lov yah!

Introspection and my DAD (PSYCH 101)

"It's usual for a woman who never really had a stablished father figure to demand attention and to constantly ask for validation that someone loves her" DR. Stanley Katz Ph.D.

I have always known about this and no matter how i tried to convince and accept this empty hole in my past. No matter how i try to surpass this issue, i still revert back to the old needy helpless little me. This whole issue of not being liked takes a toll on all other relationships that i have. i have a hard time trusting and believing other genuine affections since what i long for is the primal care that i missed from my dad.

My fondest memory of him when i was still a little girl (HUH???) was when he would drive me to school, when he has dunkin donuts pasalabong for me and my big brother, when we would go the breakwaters of luneta to eat litson manok every other saturday nights, when we dine out and aristocrat will be the place. when we would watch a movie in centerpoint, (rocketeer was the last movie i saw with my dad), when i woke my mom up in the middle of the night coz i wanna see my daddy, i had ear infection then and i wanted to eat at jollybee's but they were all closed so we went to aristocrat instead and that's when we realized it was my birthday.

I remember every weekend we would to swimming. Every afternoon, he would take us around our place on our bike. every sunday we are at CCP or luneta. My first boat ride was with him in manila bay and i said i saw a mermaid and he laughed and agreed with me. I remember him holding my hands when we walk or stroll even just to buy bread in the bakery. I love my dad and i know he loves me, its just that it has never been a practice in our family to be mushy and affectionate.

writing this makes me cry coz all my life he was there, but i just couldnt be with him. we missed a lot of years and its hard to start a new. i want him to hold my hand, hold me when im scared, pick me up and throw me in the air when i did something great. and i just wanna lean on him and forget about the time and worries of the future.

"i had my dad all my life. but i didnt had him growing up!"

PUERTA!

Approved ang leave ko for 2 days kaya sunod ako agad sa mga friends sa puerta, Malas lang kc ang tagal nung mga nasakyan ko, 6 am ako umalis sa bahay,nsa lipa palang ako nang nagtxt si choleng na magsnorkling sila pero kung gus2 ko daw antayin na nila ako, so buti nlang hindi nila ako inantay kc kung nagkataon eh hapon na kami makakapagsnorkling. 9:40 ako dumating batangas port. 10 am daw ang alis ng M.B BRIAN pero 11 na nagsimula ang aming paglayag. 1pm nsa white beach nako. Sa whole duration ng paglalakbay wala akong kinain kaya pagdating lamon kami agad. at habang inaantay ang food, camwhoring!

ang sakit sa bangs pag pera na ang usapan.

after magpakabusog, punta agad sa room, siempre sila para mag freshen up at ako, diretso agad sa favorite activity ko sa puerta.

burlog, hehehe seksi kong matulog noh?

hehehe, siempre hindi yun totoo dahil ganito ako kaseksi matulog>> bwahahaha

Pagkagising, siempre camwhoring parin. at ang theme? after-sex-look!

at ang pinakaseksi sa lahat

oh diba pra lang kabayo?? choleng kc!

Anyway nagayos na kaming lahat kaya piqtur piqtur na pinagkaabalahan namin.

ay sori! si kathy pala hindi pa nakaayos, hahahaha (kmusta nman ang turban natin?)

tara!, kunan natin ang dingding ng kwarto. ehehe

ang ebulosyon ng babae>>> hahaha

after mag piqturan, naisipan namin na magbanana boat, at dito ko napatunayan ko na meron akong powers ng premonitions, dahil nung nahulog na silang lahat sa banana boat eh matagal na akong nalaglag, (excited! grabeh parang 10 feet yung layo ko sa kanila at siempre para hindi mapahiya ng konti. freestyle palapit sa kanila) at hindi ko na rin isheshare sa inyo na hirap na hirap makaakyat si choleng sa banana boat, na muntik na rin malaglag yung tumutulong sa kanya sa pagahon at kaylangan pang tulungan ni kuya richie para lang maisakay si choleng ulit. hehehe hindi kona yun isasali sa entry na toh.

after magbanana boat konting babad lang kc gabi na tapos banlaw na ulit para lumamon. habang naliligo silang lahat eto ang pinagkakaabalahan ko,

nagpunta kami sa NIKITA dahil masarap food dun at kung magserve sila eh parang pang contruction worker so talagang love ko d2. ang problema lang subrang tagal bago dumating yun food tpos nagbrownout pa at mejo sira ang generator nila so kumain kmi sa dilim.

sabi ko gigimik ako nung gabi kahit ako lang mag isa pero nanalo parin pagiging manang ko kaya natulog nalang kmi. kinabukasan, 5:25 palang gising nako pero dahil masarap matulog, 8 na kmi bumangon para magswimming

mga wala pa sa sarili nila

and introducing: just like venus who came from the womb of the sea,

CHOLENG! THE SEA NYMPH!

Dahil mejo malapit na kaming i-evict sa bahay ni kuya, mabilis lang kaming nagbabad at naligo na kami agad. after nun punta na ulit kami sa nikita para kumain at magpapiqture

as always subrang tagal nung food, pero ok lang mejo sulit nman

ang gastos namin ranges from 2,500 to 4 k. aray ko!

anyway masaya nman kahit na mejo magulo ang naging pag uwi dahil nahiwalay na nman kami ng barko.

dahil dun natulog ako ng konti at nag,,,

at sa bus

na sobrang tagal ng biyahe.

anyway enjoy naman kahit papano, kaya lang wala akong nakilalang porn star kakainis!

si kuya kc natakot sakin, umalis agad. infairness, masikip ang speedo trunks nia, baket kaya?