Let's talk about sex

Oopps, My bad. i mean sexuality and gender identification. (this is not in anyway professional in nature.)

SEX: People are born MAN and WOMAN and nothing else. Fine. That is true. I person can only be man and woman. no argument on that. Genetically there are only two combination XX for women and XY for me. This is the physical aspect of a person but it doesnt define who that person would be. let's talk about the,,,

GENDER: People are either MALE or FEMALE regardless of their sex. This can also be expressed as masculine or feminine. Therefore a man could be masculine or femine or a woman can be masculine or feminine. or sometime they can be both. Confused? Wait we also have to take into consideration the sexuality or,,,

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: A person could either be STRAIGHT (HETEROSEXUAL) so he/she gets attracted to the opposite sex. GAY (HOMOSEXUAL sometimes LESBIAN is applied to WOMEN) so they get attracted to the same sex. BISEXUAL those who gets attracted to both opposite or same sex.

So a person could have all the combination here. Crazy aint it.

Lets review:

• A masculine man could be straight , gay or bi.
• A Feminine man could be straight , gay or bi.
• A masculine woman could be straight , gay or bi.
• A Feminine woman could be straight , gay or bi.

Let's complicate things more:

Transgendered: Broad term relating to a person who doesnt conform to the assigned sex/gender and sexual orientation they were born with. Lets get specific.

Transexual: A person that identifies more as the opposite sex rather than their biological sex. meaning a man who believes she should be a woman (MTF or MALE TO FEMALE) or a woman who believes she should be a man (FTM or FEMALE TO MALE)

Tranvestite Or Crossdressers: A person who wears the clothing of the opposite sex but clearly doesnt wanna be the opposite sex. (note: There is transvestic fetishism. It is a condition where a person gets sexually aroused or gets sexual satisfaction/gratification by wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.)

Intersex: A clinical diagnosis where a person has both physical sexes. (hermaphrodite)

Ok enough about this coz im starting to get a headache. Anyway as my ex told me. SEXUALITY is something i shouldnt worry about and definetly something that i should not stress on figuring out.

ALL i know. Im one damn hot chick (coz i have high fever) hehehe

First Step of recovery

I find it better for me to socialize as a way of recovering from the recent loss that i went through rather than sulk myself to the lonliness im in. Eventhough i still am hurting inside, It's not as difficult as before. I still have crying spells from time to time but i can smile and genuinely hope for the future.

It may sound like im looking for a rebound guy but hey! Just to beat depression, I wont mind flirting with other people just to get rid of the gnawing inside plus i clearly state that im in no hurry of getting involve with someone this soon.

Social networking clearly gives me the perspective that there are millions of people out there experiencing the same predicament I'm in or sometimes worse.

Although i know that this is just a false sense of adoration but who cares, someone admires me and someone finds me attractive. That in itself boosts my confidence somehow. So while im waiting for my life to be back to some kind of normalcy. I will bask in the unrealistic world of the web.

At least here i can flirt all i want but not get myself entangled in the crazly life of folks

Starting to regain my life and my sanity

From the start i drempt of you

holding me tight with a love so true

but just like sleep i have to wake up

and with a heavy heart i had to stop.

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Over and over i cried and lied

"I'm gonna be ok" is the line i tried

Over and over u told me it's over

and you would feel that way forever .

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Now there's no way for us to meet .

all i can do is now is to commit

and promise to wait for you

untill u feel the same way too.

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Teach me how to stop loving you

but how can i learn to forget you

the hardest part is letting go

I needed closure, my baby gave that to me today, he sent me a voice message coz i needed to hear his voice for the last time. i asked him to lie to me and tell me that he has found someone else that makes him happy. We both know that it's not true but for the sake of me moving on, he pretended he found someones else coz i can take it better to know that i lost him because of someone else than to lose him because of depression.

My baby was tormented to say the lies he said, He had to hurt me so i can move on. It's crazy coz i asked him to lie to me because I am tired of crying myself to sleep and waking up empty. he said he found someone but it's not true since he spends most of his time talking me. It's crazy coz the person he's with right now is the character he created. i even have the sketch of how this person looks like. (my baby butchok dreams of becoming a game designer and he has created a game character who now is his allleged lover) I asked him to create this lie so i can move on.

I have a glimpsed of what caused him to isolate himself. My baby was adopted the day he was born, His mom had a crazy life, a renewed user. (one of the possible reason why he has developmental issues). He has an older brother and a younger brother who was adopted by a strange couple. I remember him saying that he's worried since the foster parents of his younger brother are trying to hide their brother from them and i know that they suspect that their little kid brother is not happy with his foster parents.

My baby's so concerned with his brother that he doesnt wanna face the world anymore.

but i dont wanna deal with that anymore. I heard my baby cry as he wants me to move on and leave him. i heard him choke as he asked me to forget about him.

My baby has been alone all his life and that's how he wants to live his life. i cannot force him so i will live him and never look back. But one things for sure, I was the happiest when i was with him.

My dark prince

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

Not every one knows that i have a boyfriend, mostly cause i feel like im already fulfilled that there's no reason for me to tell the whole world about my wonderful love.

Everything was alright, eventhough we do share times of trouble, misunderstanding and petty quarrels, our love and commitment surpasses them all.

i thought we develop great communication that nothing can come between us, i was wrong.

Because as i am writing this, I am starting to get filled with emotions of longing, sadness, regret and disenchantment. My baby butchok asked me to give him space and he's letting me free from this relationship.

Butchok has been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, He has the inaattentive type of ADHD, the type that is not hyperactive but nevertheless he has problems concentrating on things. I have personal experience of his condition coz sometimes so goes silent and he cant think of anything to say. (He did this, while we were talking. he's proud of the heart shape of us and above us )

Despite everything, Butchok never failed to make me feel special, he never failed to show me how much he loves me. He's the only one who made me secure in so many things. He gave me the stabilty and comfort that everyone failed to give. Never in my life have i felt so secure that i dont worry that im gonna lose them to some hot girl that they would meet.

But i did lose him, i lost him againts depression, coz you see, aside from having difficulty concentrating, ADHD people tends to have depressive moods and sometimes school, work and people around them aggrevates this condition.

My baby became the happiest when he meet me. Our love give him something that no therapy nor medicine can give. But sad to say, He's losing his battle againts depression. Pressure and stress from his family and friends makes him think that there's no hope for him andhis causins skepticism againts our relationship has made him cynical about his role in our relationship.

My baby started isolating myself againts his family and friends and this made him think he's unworthy of a person and he believed his depressive thinking and he decided that he's not worthy for me. He isolated himself againts me and wants me to free me from suffering because of his distraught self.

My baby's suffering and he doesnt deserve to and the fucking thing about the whole of this,

I cant help him and i cant be there for him.

I dont pray but for my baby to get better i would like to start learning.

Why does my baby have to suffer?

anhedonia

My schedule doesnt allow me to write anything coz i mostly spend my free time sleeping and recovering from the crazy workload that i have.

Thankfully a new schedule was given and i can now have more free time to do things and may fav past time would be ranting and self pittying untill im so depressed that i spring back to happiness (crazy aint it?)

Anyway it is not uncommon to everyone that i have a special kind of depression. (gender dysphoria). This condition makes me feel so out of tune with my body which makes me feel that i cannot fully enjoy life's pleasure unless i have my mind and body corrected. (so guys my need to dress the way i am dressing and my need to have my body altered is not out of whim but a neccessity to alleviate sadness.

Work is becoming less demanding and school is nearing its end but somehow i feel like my set goal is still far out of reach, i know i still have miles to go before i can finally say i am home but somehow i feel i havent even started yet.

During psych class i remember i phase where one encounter a fork in the road of life, where one has to decide what to do and where to go. i am not on that fork yet. I am just a few inches away from the starting line and yet my enthusiasm has started to decline.

Trojan peach told me that for a young lady that i am,i seem to worry alot about so many things. cant help it. being the inexperience little christina nicole. i seem to be scared of things that i know little about.

and my absent boyfriend is not helping either,

SImply put i miss him, and this makes me lethargic.

CHICKA LANG~

What i learned in 2007

After almost two years in my previous company. i was asked to help another company with their service.

At first it was ok, i was enjoying myself untill the holiday came and my life was ruined and i would never look at americans and asians living in america the same way before, Sorry for stereotyping but i now understand why people are branded and labeled the way they are.

but the thing that will remain for the rest of my life would be the golden wisdom that only my work can give me. Nuggets of WISE WORDS

"Pls. check the previews escalation made"

This order was mint to be a gift"

Seriously!