anu tawag mo sakin?????

Anu yun????

paki ulit???

tama ba ako na tinawag mo akong PUTAAH???

ang kapal ng mukha mo>

hindi ako PUTA.

POKPOK ako,

magkaiba yun.

ang PUTA, trabaho.

Ang POKPOK, LIFESTYLE !

My crazy mundane self

I need something to do, Im beginning to lose my sanity>

Here's the proof.

The source

Just last week, When i go thome, people are talking about an earthquake. I wasnt aware of that since i was on the road. I wanted to experience an earthquake, I dunno but i was wishing it would happen again, although of course i want a non destructive one.

Anyway i used to understand earthquakes, THe epicenters, the magnitude level, seismic waves. richter scale (obsolete), fault lines. Pacific ring of fire, the tectonic plates that move around causing such earth vibrations, the magma movement, volcanic eruption. These are some of the things associated with earthqaukes.

But these are just too technical for me and now i know OCCAM's RAZOR. it is the principle that the simpliest solutions tends to be the best.

So here's the reason for the recent quake:

My good friend > I < i hope we remain friends after this.

Stressful!!!!!!!!

My monday starts with a wakeup call around 1am, then i start to prepare for work that starts at 3am. that's an 8 hr workshift with 1 hr lunch so i go home at 12noon. I arrive home by 1pm, sometimes i stay online, sometimes i just get ready for sleep.

3 hrs later i have to wakeup to prepare for my 6pm to 9pm class. Have dinner with classmates or sometimes just bring food for dinner then im off to the office by 10pm or 11pm. I sleep for another 3 hrs before starting my workshift at 3 am. then it's just a matter of routine for me. untill friday where i can go home after school. coz i have wholeday class every saturday. SO basically i only have oneday restday that's sunday.

I thought that schedule was fine untill i saw myself recently. My God. I already look like a corpse.

Bring me back to life, Bring me back to civilization.!

Gun with the wind

My dad owns guns, He's responsible enough that in my lifetime i only saw it 3 times. Ok that's an exageration but the things is, i only get a glimpes of his guns when he would take them out and put them in his locked cabinet.

I only had one chance to carry them, and boy they we're heavy (lady hands, remember?) I couldnt even make the movable things move.

Anyway. im still scared of them but they are cute lying side by side. Like good friends on a camp out.

NO SMOKING

I dont like smoke. i dont mind if my friends smoke coz they are considerate to non smoking people. But still they are people who are living in the past.



Lolo here is apologetic but he cant stop the habit.

haayyys!

but hey lolo, spread your legs wider pls, i little bit wider for the camera. hahaha

Paranoia of a Geisha

I have been enjoying myself with this blog lately but im just too lazy to write about it.. Well written, witty words and gorgeous pics (huh?)

Anyway Just visit the paranoid world of this geisha.

PARANOIA OF A GEISHA<<<

face the challenge head on

Battle cry of most heroes.

But im not a hero. I do not plan to die for any cause, My life is so precious that i dont wanna die young, I still have lots of things to do and discover in life.

But with the current 4 hours of sleep and 20 hours working and studying, i think i might as well have my own holiday and monument for being the most stupid person in the world.

But i'll try to weather this unfortunate phase of my life gracefully.

I must admit though, Im no longer the lovely nicole i used to be.

Lack of sleep, poor eating habits and bad chemicals make me look like the next creep keeper.

Oh wells~

Tattooed on my mind!

I miss my baby

Since i cant get you out of my mind~

30 random things about me

Bombero king tagged me so here are 30 things people dont know about me:

I hope i can think of 30 things:

1: I eat like a bear before winter. (gluttony)

2: I secretly wish im a pornstar.

3: i wish im a high-paid prostitute.

4: I have a secret crush with my prof.

5: i fantasize having sex with all my crushes.

6: I appear to be a flirt but im conservatice at heart

7: I seem stupid but im actually smart.

8: i seem smart but im actually stupid.

9: i dont know how to spell (even easy words)

10: i aspire to be famous celebrity.

11: but i hate showbusiness so i wont become one. hahaha

12: i want to be able to have sex to everyman i desire.

13: i dont take a bath if i dont have class or school. (natural oil is good)

14: I have dark underarms ( i had allergies back in highshool and they turned dark)

15: Im afraid of rearing a child in this cruel world.

16: I like older men but not old men.

17: Im monogamous but i secretly wish to have sex with someone else.

18: Im a shallow person. i always look at the physical features of a man first than anything else.

19: Im so sensitive and insecure.

20: i always try to make people believe that im confident but im just trying to compensate for my insecurities.

21: i hate our society.

22: I was born and raised in a catholic way but im agnostic.

23: Im gullible.

24: im skeptic

25: Im a virgin

26: I explore sex.

27: I love men with nice, big hands.

28: I like gentle and rough sex.

29: I dont know what i want.

30: I need money all the time, so much so that im willing to sell my body for it. unfortunetly no one wants to buy.

I tag everyone reading this.

looking at my bright future.

I dont know about life.

sometimes i feel like there's no way out.

But if i feel like life is unfair.

Fate and a little nudge of hope make me see things fairly.

i hope we get to migrate now to our destinations!

THE NERVE

My mom and i had a huge "TELESERYE" drama, as in HUGE FIGHT.

Of course it's hard to win since she has 24 yrs history of all the things i did.

that manipulating woman!

hehehe.

good thing she doesnt read my blog!

Die Unendliche Geschichte

With my fucked up schedule. I dont have time to have fun. (dont even have time to sleep anymore)

Last night i didnt have work and school so i wanted to use that time to sleep but inevitably my crazy schedule has fucked up my hypothalamus so my pineal glands dont work as much causing me not to sleep.

Since i feel so dull not having some "fun" time, i decided to have a dvd marathon:

INDIANA JONES: all three of them. I must say i love Indiana Jones and the last crusade just the way i felt when i first saw it. I hardly remember the first movie and the third sequel and i personally didnt like them.

WIZARD OF OZ: The first time i saw this movie was during a film showing in school. I think i was on 5th grade or 9th grade but im really not sure. I remember liking it as a little girl but now the movie kinda lost the same effect on me. perhaps im weirded out by the accents of dorothy, glinda the good witch of the north and the wicked witch of the west. although i like how cowardly lion speaks and roars.

The Sound Of Music: "The best classic movie ever" No need to explain. I remember watching this movie with my grandma and from then on Julie Andrews have been my favorite and when i saw Marry Poppins, more than ever i knew she is such a goddess. (special note on "Feed the birds and Stay Awake on Marry poppins) I know its so fantastical but "Something good" makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I wish i am with my guy and we sing it together. hehehe.

The Neverending Story: I never thought i could live my childhood again through this movie. It's funny coz i was so engrossed watching the movie that my heart raced through the climax. I was really moved by the movie as the story progresses. Love it.

The wind blows

and so do i! hehehe

Dorothy said "there's no place like home, there'se no place like home" and then she tapped her red ruby slippers (more of a shoe to me) and poooff she's back in kansas.

Now i dont know about BOMBERO KING but he said the wind blew him and poooff (it was coco crunch, korni ko putcha!) he found me.

Now to know more about this multi-talented, multifaceted creature. just click on the red links with the name BOMBERO KING

why not kill me instead?

Who on earth can come to work at 3 am in the morning????

and go home after long hours of training during the highest and most direct sunlight?

kill me and run me over with your car, why dont you?

but then again, men frolick during these hours,

i might meet the man that would finally rape me

hehehe

Currently playing:Happy Birthday chinese style
Current mood:Nap Time

hard to get. (MISS TAPIA)

I've talked about my wishes of being a whore, tramp, promiscous young lady. This came about when i had the biggest heartbreak of mylife, and as a sign of rebellion and to get even i wanted to flirt till the ends of the world and use my sexuality for my advantage. Needless to say i did explore my potential and alot of europian, american, latinos and arabs started flooding me with their intentions.

But my conservative "MANANG" won againts my liberated NICKY again. I can really never be with someone im not comfortable with. There's really one man i know that i can really share intimacy with.

Sorry but i think i'm gonna wait till next year before i actually start experiencing my sensuality.

deterioration.

i love my life. it's getting so fucked up. hahaha. i wish i was a whore!

a skanky, filthy, slut and a tramp. hahaha. give me money and i'll give you pleasure.

give me money and i'll be your bitch. (as if?)

it's a pig world

After working in the day shift forever, Management finally decided to use it's resources for something more productive. ergo some of use are transferring to a new account. Its 24 hrs service window account but we first need to retrain and the only schedule for training is 10pm to 7 am. GY!!!!!! waaah. How in hell can i manage my time for sleep, work and school?

actually i think i can manage although saturday would pose a big problem for me since i have whole day class from 8am to 5pm so i think after a week i'll die from exhoustion and lack of sleep.

oh well! the only thing that causes me to fret is our usual after class dinner.

and with this schedule we wont be able to do that anymore. huhuhu

Change

After feeling beat up for months now, i really needed a break from my chaotic and pscyhotic life. Good thing my good friend lr finally came back from his month long hibernation (READ: hiding from me)

I must admit, he looks good compared the last time i saw him.

EratoMania

With my current state of mind. i am easily distracted and i am vulnerable to change my mind and make drastic decisions so to try to steer away from seduction and infidelity.

My man and i have been having problems with communication and contingency recently and my insecurities and craziness always get above my thinking brain. This is such a dangerous time for me so i deleted my myspace account and tried to detach myself from other men.

BUT GOD, HOW CAN I THINK STRAIGHT IF I HAVE THIS IN MY FACE?

I love you SCOTT SPEEDMAN.

this is all paul's fault.

He introduced to the the underworld series and that's where i saw scott.

I had a previous entry about Caucasian men that im attracted to but after seeing scott. i can surely say that he embodies the kind of guy that i wouldnt mind replacing my current man with, hehehe.

he can really look like a boy next door, a plain joe

or one hot amazing guy

Oh Scott Mary me.

CHILDREN's PLAY

GLORIETA DAYBOMBING cannot deter us from having fun.

After our home management (where we were tasked to clean the fuc*ing toilet).

My Classmates and i planned to watch a movie at galleria.

We chance upon the children's playground near the movie house and we simply cannot resist.

They shoot hoops and punch aliens and catch balls and we all had a great time. I never tried any coz i know i'll just cry if i dont get it right.

Haays! I WISH I HAD MY BOYFRIEND WITH ME~

ooopppppsssss

eerr. i wish a had a boyfriend! hehehe

Spare me a single tear for my love has died.

I kiiled my love. the one thing i hold dear in this life has ceased to exist

********************************************************

>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>

Dont worry baby! mommy will take care of you!

MR. BANTER

It's been 3 months since paul came to our class and as the days went by we've grown comfortable with each other that we began horsing around and pestering each other almost every minute everyday. I must admit though that sometimes i cant take his sneers and his childish behavior but im sure all his vexing and picking on me is just part of his all around fondness on me.I just wish he lessens his peevish attitude that irks me. (although i havent told you that i equally annoy him.)

And because of our playful nature, I was weearing a short skirt and i carelessly cut myself somewhere.

My cab buddy

A former classmate told me that he is leaving the company for a better oppurtunity outside and being the emotional junkie that i am, I am sad to think that he is leaving coz i used to go to his office everyday so we could go home together, He lives near my place.

That bastard, in all the months that he had worked for the company, he never took me out to dinner or something. He promised he would take me out to dinner the first time i saw in the office hallway. HUMMMNNN i better remind him of that!

here are my previous blog entries about my good friend feugene.

ONE

TWO

THREE

Currently playing:Imagine EVA CASSIDY

ELUSIVE HAPPINES

What does one do when one is no longer happy?

When simply ignoring things and looking at the bright side helps no more?

When there is now work when there wasnt any before?

When learning used to be fun now its a burden bestowed

What a void life this turned out to be.

How can i break free?

Look at me,

I am smiling but i'm not happy.

Hello SIR, Thank you SIR. Good bye SIR!

My God!!! Whenever i hear those words. I CRINGE! my blood shoots up to the heavens!

WHOOOWAAAAATTTTT????? You're calling me SIR!!!

Whattafuck do you think of me??

I have been experiencing these incidents lately and it's beginning to bother me. For someone like me who lived her life in stealth mode for quite sometime, These are the most dreaded events any woman like me fears. I have to admit though that i havent been dressing properly and i havent been grooming myself like any decent woman out there should, so it could add up to my UGLINESS>

Whenever i look at the mirror and i see something that should'nt be part of my face, i begin to realize i'm turning out to be one ugly woman and all the confidence in the world could'nt hide the fact that i still have the bossing eyebrows and the cornered jaw. I am a pretty woman but age and the more potent hormones in my body are slowly catching up and im near my edge of sanity. I really need to see my endocrinologist so she can give me a more effective hormone regimen.

I imagine people challenging people like me, Debating untill the dawn of time that God only created man and woman, that no matter how we try to alter our physical body, we are and always will be just a man or a woman. But why is there such "Harry Benjamin Standards of Care", "Gender Dysphoria" or "Gender Identity Disorder?" These things explain the state that every person like me have. These try to make our conditions better. People who showed concern to me sometimes asks "Why not be like other GAYS, They are decent, they dont wear women's clothing and they seemed happy.

Why? does a man's clothing define decency? Why, does having a gay relationship make people happy???

I am not gay, Gay people are in peace with their physical body and happens to be attracted to the same body that they have, ergo "HOMOSEXUAL"

I am a transgendered woman who happens to have an XY chromosome and have an alien flesh hanging between my legs where a vagina's supposed to be but nonetheless i am a woman, every inch of the wholeness of me. I hardly think about my XY chromosomes cause it has been proven that there are people with XXY chromosomes (read: super feminine males) and XYY chromosomes (read: super masculine males, commonly found on hardcore criminals.) plus it has also been noted that during th development of every child. Every fetus has a vagina, with the presence of the Y chromosomes, male hormones causes the female vagina to develop into a male penis and the brain into a male brain, sometimes however, the male hormones are not sufficient that the brain fails to assimilate its gender and remains female throughout its life.

Why is it so hard to believe that these things exists? Why do people with no credibility to speak about transgenderism firmly opposes our lives, people that are not knowledgable about our condition have the greatest voice againts us.

I will say this to all chauvanistic machismo and transphobic people out there, Just like when the CHRUCH opposed Galileo Galilei when he said that the earth is not the center of the world but the sun and when the Jews and the Romans did not believe Jesus Christ and when they opposed the salvation of Mary Magdalene who was regarded a prostitute but maybe the bearer of His offspings...

IN DUE TIME, WE WILL PROVE YOU WRONG!

WE ARE NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE,,, WE ARE A MATTER OF FACT!

SOMOS NOVIOS (It's Impossible)

Im bummed to find out that paulky will be leaving us soon.He was supposed to fly back to California but he still had to finish some previous engagements here so most probably we still have a couple of weeks or so to spend time with him. I asked him to atleast stay untill november and he might even stay longer. ( i hope he stays untill my next bday, hehehe)

Paulky and i have been constantly pestering each other but in a nice way and people seem to think it's cute. although it should be noted that paulky is sort of engaged to someone and i am exclusively waiting for my man so there's really nothing goin on between us.

although it is nice to have someone like him who can make me smile (and frown especially if he annoys me). Paulky has been the brother and male friend that i needed to make my long wait bearable and now that he is about to leave us, waiting untill i graduate will be doubly hard that it already has been.

He keeps me strong and level headed specially with my man so i hope his wishes for me and my guy would come true once i move out of my country.

People thinkt that there is romance between us but we really are just good friends. (and please! if you only knew my guy, you'd understand why i feel he's incomparable)

but just to stir up gossip and fun. here's my song for paulky:

It's impossible tell the sun to leave the sky it's impossible

It's impossible ask a baby not to cry it's just impossible

Can I hold you closer to me and not feel you going through me

Split the second that I never think of you oh how impossible

Can the ocean keeps from rushing to the shore it's just impossible

If I have you could I ever want for more it's just impossible

And tomorrow should you ask me for the world somehow I'd get it

I would sell my very soul and not regret it

For to live without your love is just impossible (impossible impossible)

And tomorrow should you ask me...

Give me a BREAAKK!

This seems to happen alot. Series of unfortunate events are so evident that sometimes having fun is becoming less frequent.

It's emotionally tiring and physically draining.

Reserves of fun memories are slowly depleting if not scarce.

There comes a time when you just wanna give up. lie down and just stop.

I need a break!!!

When will i have my burden holiday?

Currently playing:Alone again naturally
Current mood: Dead

My family

i have started preparing for my future. If all goes well, I will be leaving my family to start fulfilling who i am supposed to be in a different country. hopefully start my own family of two too.

i sometimes ask myself "will i miss them?" and strange as it may seem. I think i wont. although im still scared coz admittingly, families are such great help and they really are a convinience but aside from that, with the kind of relationship that i have with them, i think i will be ok living alone.

i hope they can find it in their hearts to be happy for me and i hope they can finally realize that my life as complicated as it seems, is my life and there are things that needs to be done to actualize what i should be.

BE HAPPY. no ones to blame.

I AM A WOMAN! Is it really hard to believe that i am?

If you think you know who i am. If you think you can categorize me. Then go for a hike and keep your sorry ass from this world.

I am woman. Trangendered woman that is.

"A transwoman (also spelled trans woman, trans-woman) or t-girl is a transsexual or transgender person who was naturally born or physically assigned as male at birth but feels that this is not an accurate or complete description of themselves and identifies as a woman."

There are a lot of tests to check that a person is truly transgendered. One of them is Sex And Gender Explorer (SAGE) test. An online java scripted questionnaire based on the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for Gender Identity Disorders. There are 1000 items in the test and if the examinee yields a score of at least 650, the examinee is considered a transsexual.

Here's my result:

SEE???

Now dont you think its about time to trash your unfounded beliefs? coz admit it. You're not an expert about the subject.