AND SO IT HAPPENED.

My ex and i were supposed to have our 2nd date on my restday but unfortunately something came up so he had to postpone it. Never thought that it would happen 2 days after my restday. My ex called me one afternoon just to explain why he had to cancel and being the temptress that i am, i asked him if he would like it if we can see each other that night he said it's ok with him so we went out. While we were having dinner, He asked me if i remember what i told him about taking care of him and feeding him to make him chubby (he's thin and im a sucker for plump guys)and that made him think of us living together or something to that effect and he was seriously reconsidering that set-up. and that blew me off, coz that is such a big decision and it's such a commitment and honestly i am not ready or mature enough for that kind of set-up. So i said things aren't smooth enough on both our families for us to venture into that kind of situation.

That night i was wearing just a simple but sexy outfit and being the conservative guy that he is, of course he had comments about what i am wearing and that i should have a jacket or something to cover me up. Duh, he was so weary when i was checking his wallet then i found out he had a discount card for a motel and a condom on his wallet. so much for being conservative. DARN~ he wanted to explain why he had those but i was already aggrevated and was consuming more than what i can handle. Although i know that he has not been sleeping around but still thinking that he is doing it with someone else was like a riffle on my heart. I was so drunk i hardly remember how we got home and how we ended up on my room. The way he looked at me was full of intimacy but he taught i was too drunk to even respond but when he said that he has to go home. i asked him to stay and emotions and desire filled the room. He was so concerned with me coz he knew it was my first time and eventhough we had our intimate moments when we were together. doing it again after 4 yrs with more intensity was not my expertise.

Now my life will never be the same again. and having been intimate with my man is such a big thing to me, I feel so guilty knowing that he has a girlfriend and us seeing each other will make me his mistress. We dont have a relationship but having this between us is such a complication with its impact still unknown for both of us. I wanna be with him but there's just so many factors and issues i have that i cant see myself being with him. but it bothers me that he's not mine. Im happy when were together, he still has that magic influence on me but im still holding back for some reason. I wish he's not making such a big fuss over this and i wish i can finally clear things up and hopefully enjoy whatever endeavor that we will take on the future. may it be moments with him or parting with him completely.